The Style Invitational Week 996: A Life-Time
opportunity
By Pat Myers, Thursday, November 8, 12:58 AM
Combine Gourmet and Cat Fancy magazines:
How to prepare the finest meal Tabby will never eat.
Back in Week 985, we
published five typically zany cartoons by the Nothing if Not Zany Bob Staake
and asked the Losers to tell us which Invitational contest — an actual one or a
new idea — it might be illustrating. One honorable mention went to Megaloser
Kevin Dopart for his example for the the cartoon above. So let’s not let
Kevin’s idea go to waste: This week: Combine two magazines or journals and
describe the result, supply a marketing pitch, or suggest a story or two that
it might publish.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place receives a fabulous foam-rubber life-size black rat on a ceramic wheel,
brought back from Mexico by Beverley Sharp and donated to the Invite. You pull
the string and release, and then La Rata rolls leisurely across the floor. See
a video of the Empress’s cat being decidedly unimpressed by this fine specimen
of rodentia at bit.ly/InviteRat.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, possibly the new model
whose slogan will be determined in the Week 994 contest. First Offenders
receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink).
E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, Nov. 19; results published Dec. 9 (online Dec. 6). No more than 25
entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 996” in your e-mail subject line or
it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Brad
Alexander; the alternative headline in the “Next week” line is by Tom Witte.
Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 992, in which we asked — in the wake of Mitt Romney’s debate vow that his
administration wouldn’t fund PBS — how the network, its shows and its
characters would adapt to the commercial TV world. This rushed-into-print
contest stepped awfully close to Week 959 (moving shows from one network to
another), and really, there’s not much on PBS that’s not comparable to
something on cable or the broadcast networks. But the Losers soldiered
valiantly on; here are the successes. And we’ll fill out the page with some
Invite classics from some better-thought-out contests on screen themes.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
“The Civil War” will be
remade with two different endings, depending on the part of the country you
live in. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)
2. Winner of the seat cushion
lined with genuine shredded U.S. currency: The Teletubbies would be used as
punching bags on pay-per-view channels when the boxers warm up before a fight.
People would pony up an extra $9.99 just to see this. (Gregory Koch, Storrs,
Conn.)
3. “Sesame Street” would be
produced by the Children’s Television Sweatshop. (Alan Hochbaum, Marietta, Ga.)
4. “American Masters”
celebrates the oeuvre of Thomas Kinkade. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Downturn Abbey: Honorable mentions
“Nature” would now be called
“Damn, Nature, You Scary,” hosted by Tracy Morgan. (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.)
The production costs, but not
the adventure, would be scaled back with “Where in Newark Is Carmen Sandiego?”
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
After a move to the Syfy
channel, “Ask This Old House” would air after “Ghost Hunters” and specialize in
seances. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
The world’s favorite cartoon
monkey and the Man With the Yellow Hat finally hook up on the new Hustler TV
series “Very Curious George.” (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
After a move to BET, we’d
have “Master P’s Theatre.” (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.; Gina Smith, Rockville,
Md., a First Offender)
Bill Nye the Science Guy gets
a contract with “Breaking Bad” and boosts the production and quality of the
meth. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Pledge Drive: No more begging
you for money! This MTV version chronicles rush week at various Big 10
universities, as freshmen debauch and demean themselves to get into a
fraternity or sorority. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
So what else is on? Classic
reruns
Lessons learned from the
movies (Week LXXXIX, 2001):
At all speeches, the
microphone will squeak once, before allowing the speaker to continue with no
further problem. (Alan Hochbaum; Timothy Gotwald, Chambersburg, Pa.)
When a man and a woman get
very, very mad at each other, it usually turns quickly into passionate kissing.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.)
In the future, everyone will
wear jumpsuits yet no one will look fat in them. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs,
Columbia, Md.)
Eveboedy vit akhsent spik
Engleesh lik deez. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel, Md.)
Slightly altered TV show
titles (Week 577, 2004):
“Antique Road Ho”: A poignant
drama about a broken-down hooker still working the street. (Russell Beland,
Springfield, Va.)
“The Fraidy Bunch”: A family
is constantly on guard against pollen, war, strangers, people who are too nice,
identity theft and big dogs. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.)
“Eighth Is Enough”: The
Wizards pursue their perennial quest to finish just high enough in their
conference to make the playoffs. (Roy Ashley)
“Bunsmoke”: Watch the Olympic
luge team in training! (Judith Cottrill, New York)
“Gnats Landing”: The joys of
summer picnicking. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.)
Next week’s results: ‘Versus’ verses, or Trash of the
Titans